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What do you think would happen if two of the worst English language books ever written mated and had a lovechild?
From the same sludgy scorpion morass of “inspiration” that brought you Twilight and Fifty Shades of Grey comes Shadeylight: Vella the Virgin Vegan Vampire, the scintillating story of a girl who only wants to understand the workings of her no-no without actually touching it or looking at it.
Meet Vella Vaughan, hottie coed at Sharts Community College, the innocent, young, chestnut-haired, virgin sweet dreams are made of. When tri-color haired billionaire and concert pianist Xavier Cash sashays into her life, he sweeps her into a world of sexual intrigue that endangers her chances of wearing magical long underwear on her wedding night.
Xavier quickly finds Vella is not your average Mary Sue. Along with her tractor-beam magnetism (despite the fact she is an antisocial, narcissistic klutz with at least three personalities, including a nymphomaniac, bukkake-porn watching inner goddess and a militant vegan subconscious) Vella has her own vampiric secrets to hide.
Who will win the right to mate with our beautiful, vacuous heroine? Will it be Jean-Pierre La Fine, chesty three-wolf tattoed French-reservation dweller? Will it be Juan Changa del Mar, gorgeous, shape-shifting Hispanican art student? Or will it be Xavier Cash, capitalist oligarch one-percenter with rabid mommy-issues and a penchant for rapey BDSM?
Shadeylight’s ample features include:
-Heaving bosoms and straining zippers!
-Sparkling humanoid wussy men!
-Offensive ethnic and racial stereotypes!
-Grammatical errors!
-Cannabis!
-Trannies!
-Hot guys making out with each other!
-Cthulu!
-Random lapses into British dialects!
-A fast food mascot clown with a bulge!
-Marauding bacon trolls!
Now with 78% less pedophilia than the originals, Shadeylight is the answer to badly written, first person narratives about self-obsessed, skinny white girls who witlessly discard every achievement won for them by feminists past and present. Read it now, lest productive thoughts and actual good uses of your time start getting in the way!
- Sales Rank: #1927488 in eBooks
- Published on: 2015-01-16
- Released on: 2015-01-16
- Format: Kindle eBook
Most helpful customer reviews
1 of 1 people found the following review helpful.
Great parody
By David Watson
Shadeylight:Vella The Virgin Vegan Vampire is written in first person by J.K. Elemenopy, with a little help from Kimberly Steele. This book answers the question of what would happen if 50 Shades Of Grey and Twilight were able to mate and have a love child. Shadeylight is the answer to that question and a very good parody of both best-selling books. This is a story that’s all told from a first person viewpoint of a self obsessed college age girl who wants nothing more than to protect her no no and promote the vegan lifestyle.
Vella is a proud virgin and the subject of many men’s fantasies. She attends the local community college and wants to be a writer. Everything changes when she meets billionaire Xavier Cash who just happens to be part unicorn/part vampire. Vella is not your average girl though, she has a secret that she is not fully aware of and also has split personalities. Vella constantly has to deal with her perverted inner goddess and overbearing vegan subconscious. To make matters even more complicated she has another man who is interested in her named Jean-Pierre La Fine.
This is the kind of book that you don’t get because the story looks good, this is the kind of book you get because you think that with a title like that it has to be entertaining. Shadeylight is a pretty funny read and this is coming from a person who would never dream of reading Twilight or 50 Shades Of Grey. Despite not knowing the source material, I’ve heard enough about both books where I got all the references and all the gags.
Nothing is off-limits in this book, it makes fun of everything including a scene where one of the characters makes fun of the author of the book. It makes fun of self obsessed writers, bad writing and it looks at how hypocritical people can be. My favorite scene was when Vella and Xavier go to a Hotties Anonymous meeting. Who knew that people who are beautiful get discriminated against because of the chronic condition of being hot. Shadeylight also has some strange sex scenes that would make 50 Shades Of Grey look like a G rated movie.
Shadeylight is more than just a goofy parody though. This is a story that is using humor to put forth a message about going vegan while showing how silly some books that are considered popular can be. At the same time it still doesn’t take itself seriously. Who can resist a book that has Bacon trolls, sex with Cthulu and a vampire with serious mommy issues. That’s just the tip of the iceberg. Shadeylight is one bizarre read that you don’t want to miss.
2 of 2 people found the following review helpful.
As expected
By james brian jameson
Another great book from a great author. It was extremely entertaining. I just had to laugh often while reading this. It is worth your time for a light a d funny read.
2 of 2 people found the following review helpful.
I'll never look at a McDonald's salad the same again
By Jason L Morrow
I laughed my butt off. It's a parody but develops into a good story on its own merits. I'll never look at a McDonald's salad the same again.
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